Update for clumsiness in the narrative below - tests showed I did not experience a heart attack, but rather have developed hypertension; the symptoms are often similar.
I’ve read somewhere, long ago, that if you enter an emergency room complaining of chest pain - you go to the head of the line.
It’s true.
Monday morning found me turning to the Bride to say the words every older couple dreads and yet has signed on to utter or hear someday: “I think I need a hospital.” This from a guy who, 20 years ago, insisted on enjoying dinner before going to the hospital to learn why my face was falling off my skull (turned out being Bell’s Palsy, not stroke).1 This time; it wasn’t an elephant on my chest that led to my decision, it felt more like a midsize dog that was slowly gaining weight.
It turns out the Emergency Department doctor people have a very simple spreadsheet: Match three symptoms and you are their guest for the evening. Here’s what I learned during my overnight in the local:
My symptoms resolved once they placed an element more explosive than black powder under my tongue. “The nitro worked, can I go home now?” Well, no. “You can always go home AMA (against medical advice). A nurse friend with whom I was texting offered: “AMA means insurance won’t pay.” Important to know.
Accepting the idea that I would be admitted, I offered to slip a Franklin to the nurse in order to score a private room. Turns out in this facility: every room is a private room. The recent move to the country paid off here, and this hospital leapt to the top of favorite hospitals now - although I’m in no hurry to visit again. Also, never offer to bribe a nurse.
Hospital beds are not made for sleeping. The bed is designed to mitigate or prevent bed sores. The solution is to change position every few minutes. Gentle motions that bring to mind: “Is that a slow motion earthquake?” For cardiac cases, they offer compression sleeves for your calves. These attach to pneumatic hoses, allowing the sleeves to massage your legs, one at a time, all night long. “Oh, don’t worry, if you need to get up during the night, just disconnect and reconnect.” Kids? Older people get up during the night. It’s a thing. So when I did, and then reconnected, well - I broke it. Beeping ensued, and I was sadly forced to click the call button. “Sorry, it’s not working.” “It’s ok, I’m just going to turn it off and back on.” Tier 1 support for any tech problem: “Have you tried turning it off and back on again?” Also: it is a challenge to fall asleep when your calves are massaged at random intervals. Try it sometime.
The nurses are your advocates and your primary connection to your health care. You’ll see a few doctors, sure, but the total time I spent with a doctor after 30 hours or so? Five minutes. Tops.
MyChart is a lovely thing. I have a reasonable fear of apps that contain all of my health information, however, using MyChart allowed me to see test results and doctor decisions in real time. I could view the blood test results, the doctors’ response to same, all before any health care professional visited me to talk about them. Control freaks celebrate. I was far more informed than I had ever been before when talking with what I call the helicopter doctors - they flit and leave.
Hospital staff are understaffed, distracted, and often unable to eat or even sit down during their shift. You can help them with gentle observations: “I’ve had that Heparin injection already. The Rx folks forgot my other meds.” And so on. Nurses are expected to work beyond their shift in order to pass on insights to the next shift - if you are fortunate enough to be a less-critical patient, your information may not make it to that briefing. Also: when your nurse comes in, insist they have a seat. Trust me on this. A Registered Nurse has much more experience translating health care to the patient than any person in that hospital. Be kind, listen, be a friend. It’s not just about you here. You are surrounded by humans who are focused on you, but they are also humans who are struggling and juggling.
Doctor’s orders: take these anti-virals and try to relax. Given that a Caribbean vacation was due to commence 4 days later - I learned once again that timing in life, as in comedy, is everything.
Good advice, as usual. Hoping for your speedy recovery.
Oh my, John! I hope you are okay.